How my Relationship Changed with my Firstborn after my Second Baby.

The child I said goodbye to on my way to the hospital with Cruz, was not the same child when I returned.

I knew things would change – logically they had to. For nine months, I worried how I could love another baby. I had visions that I might struggle with my attachment to the new baby. I anticipated that I would be so wrapped up in Phoenix and certainly there couldn’t be any more love to go around. And now, four months into becoming a mother of two, I can say a few things happened for me.

Firstly, I loved Cruz immediately and intensely – just like when Phoenix first entered my arms. There truly is so much room in your heart to love more children. Your heart just grows, although I can’t quite explain it. But the surprising thing that happened and what has been the hardest for me – is that my relationship with Phoenix changed in ways I never imagined. It is such a blessing that Cruz has entered our family, Phoenix has a little brother, and they’ll have each other for life.

But from the time I left for the hospital to the moment I saw Phoenix again, he looked and seemed different to me. My eyes saw him as enormous and strangely different. I saw him as a boy, not a baby anymore. For the first few weeks, it felt like I was holding a stranger in my arms and that I was getting to know Phoenix again too. It’s hardened us both. I realized it’s impossible to meet his needs all the time, while I’m taking care of Cruz. I realized that doing my best is all I can do. I realized that even though there is less time to go around, it’s more important than ever to take care of myself too.

Some days I’m nostalgic for the relationship we had before Cruz. Sometimes I find myself breathing in sweet baby Cruz and then snapping at Phoenix in my next breath.  I wondered how I could love another person as much as Phoenix, but now I sit here and try and enjoy my toddler and it’s harder than I thought. I shoe him away. I have to hold him back from waking the baby up again. I can’t believe how instantly Phoenix became so annoying to me all the time. Loving him has felt like a conscious effort some days. And I miss having the energy and capacity to do all the fun stuff together, like when it was just us. Now Dad is taking him out all the time and Mummy isn’t fun anymore. For weeks it has felt equally like my heart breaks, accompanied with an enormous sense of relief every time I get time away from him.

Becoming a mother for the second time has had such a psychological impact on me that there have been moments where I’ve felt estranged from both Phoenix and Cruz. And it’s something that I never really realised could happen to me. Every night though, after I settle Cruz – I lay next to Phoenix while he falls asleep. And it feels like we are still just as close as we’ve always been. I’m not in a rush for him to fall asleep on his own. I stay a little while and study the changing features of his face. And hold his body, that seems so big now, beside me and feel grateful for our present, nostalgic about our past and excited for our future with Cruz in our lives too.

My Birth Story.

40 weeks. Cruz arrived right on time.

It was Friday afternoon and I was relaxing at home in the bath. Every few minutes I was wondering when labor would begin, how would it begin- just like anyone who is 40 weeks pregnant and well, over it. I was imaging my baby, labor starting when literally, right then and there – my waters broke. I heard them. I felt the pop. I stood up and it was on.

It was 3pm, so I got dressed and we started arranging family to come over to look after Phoenix for the night.  When I went into labor with Phoenix, I carried all the anxiety around how the birth would be, how would it feel, how would I cope? With Cruz – I had some of that. But mostly I felt anxious for Phoenix. His whole world as he knew it, was about to change. And initially maybe we wouldn’t feel better for it. Maybe he would miss me. Maybe I would miss him. This was the first night I spent away from Phoenix… I know, right? I grabbed my things and took one last look at Phoenix and the tears rolled in. Probably from the hormones, but anyone that has had a second baby, you know that moment – the last one where it’s just you and him.  I grabbed my bags and Phoenix kissed my belly and said “See you soon baby” and my expanding heart felt heavy.

We checked into hospital, I was only 1cm and everything looked clear to leave. By 7pm contractions were only few and far between. It started to get dark and we went for a drive. We didn’t want to go home and see Phoenix only to leave again. So we got some takeaway and went down to Warriewood beach. The darkness, the moonlight on the water and the breaking waves on a vacant beach were the best way to kick things off. I found my breath, contractions were building and I remember feeling so excited this time. When I went into labor with Phoenix, I was scared. I was tense. I was holding my breath in fear. But this time, I knew what to expect. I knew that the enormous pain I would feel, would be okay. That it was just pain and that it would pass. Contractions quickened and became longer and stronger. We made our way back to the hospital. I knew we were probably early to go in, but I just wanted to get settled for the night, sit onto a birthing ball, dim the lights and let it happen.

When we got back to the hospital and into a room, the contractions really became stronger. I couldn’t talk through them. I just closed my eyes and breathed. I brought my doTerra essential oil ice blue rub. Which by the way – really took the edge off. Anyone going for a natural birth, you need this stuff! I was blown away by its effectiveness. Things started feeling intense, but I didn’t want the nurse to check me yet. When they check, it bloody hurts. And secondly, I knew that if they told me I was still a 1 or a 3, I would be devastated and want to give up. So, I held out for as long as I could. When we finally checked, I was already a 7! I couldn’t believe it. Phil and I were literally celebrating. Then I realized, ahh, I still have the hardest work ahead of me. But it was in that moment that I knew I could do it. I knew I could somehow enjoy it because I was coping so well so far. And with Phoenix I didn’t cope, I felt like it wore me right down.

I wanted a waterbirth. And we coincidentally were in the only room with the tub. It was a sign. So I got in the water. The next three hours were intense. With Phoenix, I got an epidural. Which really did save my life. They’re darn amazing. One minute you feel like you’re being crushed by a bus and then the pain just lets off. But with Cruz, I really wanted to feel it all. I wanted to let my body really do what it is designed to do and feel it’s uttermost acuteness. It was such a rush. At this point with the contractions, I was using the gas mask and inhaling the ice blue oil rub. My husband was spraying the shower hose on my lower back and the midwife was talking me through it. The tub kept filling up and emptying. I remember when each contraction began, I would take the deepest inhalation possible and try and exhale all the way out. I was mindful of my thoughts and tried to loosen my body as much as possible. Just like in yoga, when a pose feels really uncomfortable, it helps to try and relax your muscles. I tried hard to relax my shoulders and my face. I smiled. I kept repeating in my head “I can do this. I’ve got this. Our baby boy will be here soon and it’ll all be okay.” And it worked. I cannot explain how different my thoughts were in both of my births – how opposite my attitude was towards the experience and how that same pain could feel so differently.

When was it time to push? How would I know? The midwife kept insisting that I would know when it is. And she was right. With the next contraction there was an enormous urge. I couldn’t not push. I couldn’t wait to meet him. I couldn’t wait any longer to know if he was a boy or a girl. I pushed with every ounce of strength I had in me. It felt like I could have moved a mountain. I roared and screamed and made noises that I wasn’t aware I had in me. Finally, his head popped out. His body still to come on the final push. One more big push, and I caught him. The midwives helped me bring him up to my chest. They asked us what his name would be. And my husband and I looked at each other and said “Cruz”.

Our darling son, Phoenix’s baby brother Cruz entered our hearts.